Jo-Ann Fabric & Crafts, A Little Slice of Americana

Most of the time, I consider myself rather lucky to have a really great fabric shop (with a not-so-great name) called Stonemountain & Daughter right in my neighborhood that will fulfill most all of my sewing needs. They are independent, have a really current array of quality fabrics and are always keeping their stock fresh. They also have a small pattern section of the store where they have the season's Vogue and Burda selections, among other smaller pattern companies. But what am I to do when I want to get the latest Built By You sewing pattern by Wendy Mullin? Well, I have to drive myself to the hideous Emeryville shopping center which is home to a Men's Wearhouse, a Lens Crafters and a Circuit City among other suburban retail gems. Unfortunately, my destination is no better than any of the aforementioned stores because it happens to be Jo-Ann Fabric & Crafts.

If you are not familiar with Jo-Anns it's basically like a fabric and pattern store with a Michael's inside of it. The entire store is a complete mess both figuratively and literally. The women who work there who usually have those sunburst wrinkles around their lips from a lifetime of smoking, look like have been working for 20 days straight and will somehow manage to "help" you in the s-l-o-w-e-s-t manner possible. So, I pray - PRAY that when I finally reach the register (because the line is always long) to make my purchases that there is nothing that does not have a price on it. If there is, the scenario is usually like this: She scans the item. Scans it again. Scans it again. Checks the register, fiddles with some random buttons. Scans it again. Attempts to enter the item manually. Doesn't work. Picks up the phone and calls the other woman at the cutting table, 30 yards away for help. The helper comes shuffling over, slowly, slowly, making her way past the Dora The Explorer flannel and fuchsia sequined stretch fabric. Her feathered mullet looks a little flat and she sighs when she finally reaches the register. She's got a magic set of manager keys and brings up the price of the tag less item. This entire process can take up to 10 minutes and that is a long time.

Anyway, one time I went there for some patterns and sat down at the pattern catalog table at the back of the store to check out the latest designs and sat down to a table of three middle-aged women and an overweight girl of about 8 or 10 years. The girl was with her mom who was sitting next to her as they paged through the Simplicity book together to find a nice outfit for school. It was quiet at the table except for the mad flipping of the pattern book pages and "Man, I Feel Like A Woman!" playing softly in the background. Occasionally, someone would scribble some notes onto the back of a grocery list and the mom would quietly mumble things like, "Hmm, that's nice." or "That might be nice for Spring." to her daughter.

Just as it was becoming uncomfortably quiet, "Brrrt!" - someone farted. It didn't take long to figure out who did it since the mom clucked her tongue in disapproval and glared at her daughter who wordlessly threw up her hands and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, "Oh well! If I gotta fart, I gotta fart! What are you gonna do?" I sat there wondering why I wanted to both laugh and cry. That's Jo-Anns for you.

Recently, I came across a story about the poor customer service at Jo-Ann Fabric & Craft that was truly, seriously unbelievable and again, made me want to simultaneously laugh and cry. The article details a blow-by-blow account of a Jo-Anns customer in Indiana who is suddenly struck by a bad case of explosive diarrhea. Of course, you must read the entire article to get the full effect of the situation but basically she is repeatedly denied use of the employee bathroom as she begins to soil her pants. Apparently, the CEO of Jo-Anns made a public apology and the private bathroom use policy has been changed to accommodate customers with emergencies. Funny how awkward moments at Jo-Anns stores often seem to involve uncontrollable digestive upset, isn't it?

Well, I am still on the Jo-Ann Fabric & Craft preferred customer mailing list and know that I will have to go back there again for a $1.99 Simplicity pattern special or a 60% off fusible interfacing blowout. Everything about this store - the bad service, slovenly employees, tubes of opened and squirted out puffy paint, selection of fake flowers and so on is so distinctly American that you know the Emeryville Jo-Anns is the same as the one in Decatur, Illinois. God bless America!